Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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