I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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