I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
