Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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