I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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