we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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