my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
