WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
