How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
