saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
