My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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