Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
