You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
