I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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