Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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