Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
