I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
