seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
