i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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