You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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