tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
