I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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