"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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