I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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