She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
