I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
