After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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