Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
