i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
