First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
