im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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