im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
