You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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