I wanna bring you to show and tell
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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