Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
