i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
