Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I won the penis lottery.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
