do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
