I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
