Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
