on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
