Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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