I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
