This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
