So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
