i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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