If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i think i just lost a toe
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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