She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
