dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
