I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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